Over the years, I have seen friends excel in their careers and forgo relationships and babies, I have seen friends get married and dedicate their life to their families and I have seen friends be left by husbands, or in some cases find the loves of their lives when they turn 40. At the end of the day, what has become very obvious to me is that you need to make you happy and lead the life you want to lead because you can’t plan and dictate your future.

Having been lucky enough to experience so much through my life and through those close to me, it has become very apparent that the people I know that take responsibility for their health and happiness first and foremost, are the ones that end up winning in the game of life. By taking responsibility for where you are and who you are, you simply empower yourself. Being in an empowering situation is always a great place to be. When you are empowered, you can change your course if you so choose. When you are empowered, you alone can affect your next move and your future. And, when you are empowered you don’t need to point to others or torture yourself with wondering ‘what if?’ The moment you realize that you alone are the only one getting in your way, is the moment you truly empower yourself to lead the life that you want to live. I find that incredibly liberating.

Recently, I got the opportunity to spend some time with a great friend who just got divorced. She’s feeling scared, lost and down. All normal feelings after losing the hope that you would be married forever. What I have witnessed, however, is how much stronger she is becoming as a result of the divorce. For the first time in a long time, she is pursuing her own interests and traveling and spending time with friends instead of focusing on her husband. While she may not see it yet, she is liberating herself, and by turning her focus onto herself – instead of someone else – she is moving into a better place.

I also have another great friend who has been happily married for 20 years and she reminds me to pursue my life and my passions and not to lose sight of them. She continues to work even though she doesn’t have to, and she credits much of her success in marriage to not giving up on her career and her life outside of her husband and kids. While we all know what a juggle life can be when you have kids and work, it is still so important to continue to do the things that make you feel fulfilled. I used to think people that put themselves first were selfish, now I see that they are confident and strong. The better we take care of ourselves the better we will be able to take care of others and enjoy our lives.

What makes you happy? What are your passions? If you knew that the world was going to end, what is it that you would do differently today? The minute we begin to lead our lives acting on these answers is the minute our lives will improve and good things come to us. Every day is a chance to meet someone new, try something different and put joy into our lives and others. Whether you are single, married, divorced or otherwise, I hope you will see that those labels are just that, labels. It is up to you and only you to create a life you want to live. It also just so happens that when you do this, you forget about all of those pressures and preconceived notions and often that’s when that special someone can come into your life. This is true for any day, but especially helpful to remember during the holidays. Cheers to you living the life you choose!

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Are You Hater Bait Or Not?

Essentially, the lower profile you keep and the more ‘go with the flow’ you are, the more you hide yourself from the haters glaring eye. If you decide to take this route to ward them off, read no further.

Otherwise, the problem with this is that the more you hide yourself from the haters, the more you essentially hide yourself from you. The downside to keeping a status quo life is that you are never really growing, challenging yourself, innovating, or putting yourself out there in a new way.

Remember this: The biggest growth experiences arise when you take fear head on and don’t back away, but instead push through. These moments are never easy and you will be confronted with so much resistance, but once you’re on the other side you will be able to find clarity and strength, which will continue to propel you forward to things you could have never imaged before.

Why Haters Gonna’ Hate

Haters typically hate you for one of three reasons

• They see you as a threat
• They hate themselves
• They want to be you

Lose Your Fear of Being Hate Bait

Until you come to a point in your life where you decide to confront fear and uncertainly – and potential haters with abandonment – you will never truly reach your potential or your calling.

Remember this: It is better to be hated for who you are – than to be loved for what you are not.

Take Haters Head On

1. Address haters in your personal life head on – or find a way to cut them out of your life.
2. Do not give haters power over you – which means ignore them. Never respond to haters on social media. That is giving them your attention and your time, which they do not deserve.
3. Avoid taking Haters personally – do not let a hater create self-doubt for you, as that is their goal. They are unhappy with themselves and jealous of you for some reason, but don’t take that same insecurity on.
4. Keep yourself distant from haters physically and emotionally – surround yourself with positive people that support and encourage you, they will always drown out the voices of haters.
5. Set boundaries for yourself and don’t ever let a hater cross the line – when you have a hater in your day-to-day life, have a direct conversation with them about not wanting negativity and hatred in your life and try to find a solution, even if that means removing that person from your life. Your mental health is worth so much more than allowing a hater to impose on your life.
6. Prioritize yourself and put yourself first – haters can come way after that regardless of who they are in your life. Take care of you.
7. When haters come, don’t take it as a sign that something is wrong; take it as a sign that you are doing something right! If everyone loved you, you wouldn’t be evolving, growing or innovating and that is something to be afraid of.

Don’t Be A Hater Yourself

Lastly, if you stand on the riverbank long enough, you will see all of your haters float by. Keep doing the right thing, be true to yourself and be good to others and karma will take care of the rest.

Remember this:
You will face your greatest opposition when you are closest to your biggest miracle.
― Shannon L. Alder

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This was an easy one for me to respond to, “It takes a lot of work and pushing and not giving up, and fighting and not backing down. It takes being a pitbull basically.” When I shared this concept with her, she said, “That’s hard to do, because most women don’t want to appear bitchy.”

Loosen Your Own Leash

This conversation struck a chord in me. Here this woman is bright, beautiful, talented and interested in advancing. And, while I don’t know what level she will rise to, I do know that what WON’T hold her back is her talent. This woman has everything it takes to get ahead. Yet, the only thing that could potentially hold her back is she herself.

Her decision to not want to appear a certain way, bitchy or otherwise, would be her only leash. She made another great comment to me that really resonated with me; she mentioned that when she moved into her new role – one that she did not have previous experience in – she felt like a fraud. In fact, she felt so much like a fraud that she let her husband know that she had a Plan B in line in case they discovered that she was not qualified for the job.

I Feel Like A Fraud

I find this interesting as this “fraud” epidemic has been admittedly alive and well in me throughout fleeting moments in my career. But, while it’s a trait that I’ve seen so often in women, I have YET to see it in a man.

Quite to the contrary, the men I work with feel the opposite way. If I’m interviewing a man on my team and he wants to advance without prior experience, he will simply use his prior success as the catalyst to determine that he WILL succeed in his new role. There is no big leap in his mind, it is a natural progression along his path to future success.

My Secret Is Out

Women often times don’t see this natural progression and instead feel afraid of being “found out.” Found out that they are not perfect, found out that they have commitments at home to their families, found out that they simply don’t have all the answers.

Conversely, I meet with men on my team that cant wait to share with me that they leave work early to coach their kid’s team and how it benefits the company because their “coaching” techniques are refined on the field and applied back in the workplace.

Let’s Put Things Into Perspective

Everything about how we approach things is in the perspective that we take and the lens in which we see things through. By making a definitive decision to no longer accept the idea that we are a fraud, but instead find a lens to look through that allows us to celebrate our unique and refreshing approach and skills instead, we will finally end this epidemic of holding ourselves back.

So, yes, I have been one of the “frauds” at different times in my career, but the difference with me is that I have been lucky enough to stop myself in that moment and reach out to someone in my life to remind me how I can see myself differently. Perspective is everything. And settling for a perspective that the opposite sex would never even consider is the fastest way to short-change ourselves professionally.

Let Us Be Frauds No More

Let us be “frauds no more” is my new mantra for the female faction. Let us embrace a refreshing new perspective, even if it’s sprinkled with a touch of testosterone here and there. Let us celebrate what is different and unique about us, and what makes us worthy of the opportunity in the first place. We rule the roost with no qualms, we learn as we go, we make executive decisions that are steadfast; this is life. No one knows everything. So, let’s be frauds no more with our careers and in the boardroom.

The post The Fraud Mindset: A Woman’s Career Nemesis appeared first on Heather Monahan.

Building self esteem is a skill that anyone can learn. Think of confidence as a muscle: When we work it, it only gets stronger and more defined.  Once you improve your self confidence, you’ll be amazed at what you can do!

Tip 10: Help Others, Help Yourself.

There is a funny little trick that boosts your confidence quickly: helping other people. It doesn’t have to be a big thing; it can be something small like helping an elderly person lift a bag or helping a child get up when they fall. These acts help put things in perspective for you. You realize that no matter where you are, you are capable of bringing value to others. That is a powerful moment! This means that you are in a position to help others. Others needed you and you showed up and delivered. There is a lot to feel good about there.

If you are feeling low in confidence, find someone in your world and help them. Ask them how they are doing with their divorce. Listen to them. They will thank you. Ask them if you can help them practice for their big speech, and they will appreciate you. Ask them if you can bring their child to work for a day to shadow you since they are always worried that their child will not get a job. They will adore you! Show up at a charity event and lend a hand; hold the door for the elderly lady—she will be so grateful. 

Confidence is always available right in front of us if we choose to go after it. Work the confidence muscle daily and watch what happens. You will feel good about yourself…and you should!

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Building self worth is a skill that anyone can learn. Think of confidence as a muscle: When we work it, it only gets stronger and more defined.  Once you improve your self confidence, you’ll notice that your overall outlook is improved, as well.

Tip 9: Fake It ’Til You Make It.

We’ve all heard this standby, and it works.  If you stand up tall, make eye contact, deliberately shake people’s hands and smile, you enter a room with what appears to be confidence.  Whether you have it or not in this moment is irrelevant; the important thing is that it appears that you do.

People treat you differently when they think that you are confident. Many times, men are asked to take an advanced role which they may have no experience in and they jump at the chance.  Usually, women will talk about not having prior experience in that role. In my life, I have always said I can do it and figured it out later. That tactic has never failed me in my personal life or at work.  If there is a challenge or opportunity that I am interested in, I go for it—even when I don’t have the confidence that I can do it. The confidence follows when I start making it work.  It is almost backwards logic, but I promise you that it works!

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Building self esteem is a skill that anyone can learn. Think of confidence as a muscle: When we work it, it only gets stronger and more defined.  Once you improve your self confidence, you’ll see things improve in all areas of your life.

Tip 8: Practice and Prepare.

Practice and preparation are two ways to build your confidence muscle. Just like working out at the gym, we need to train many days a week to get results; this is no different. To grow your confidence, you need to put yourself in the best situations for success. That usually means researching, practicing and preparing for whatever it is that you are trying to do. If it is for a work task, preparing at home the night before will boost your confidence in the meeting the next day. If it is for a social situation, then reading the best conversation starters and trending hot topics will help you feel better prepared. 

Whatever the situation, if you prepare for it and practice, you will feel much more confident going into it. Then, the outcome is just the outcome, but you’ll know you did all that you could do! Practice and preparation build the confidence muscle quickly.

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Building self esteem is a skill that anyone can learn. Think of confidence as a muscle: When we work it, it only gets stronger and more defined.  Once you improve your self confidence, you can tackle whatever life throws at you.

Tip 7: Write Down Reminders of Your Strengths.

My son has taught me a lot about confidence in the past eight years. One lesson he gave me recently was when his basketball team made it to the finals. He asked me if I could write on his game sneakers with a Sharpie.  I said, “Sure!” but didn’t understand why. 

He had me write on each shoe, “I can do all things.” I asked him why he wanted me to write this, and he explained that no matter how good you are and no matter how much you practice, everyone can forget once in a while; it makes all the difference to give yourself a little reminder like this for that moment when you need it. 

Give yourself reminders. Write on your shoes, leave yourself notes and do the same for others and your confidence will continue to build.

The post Remind Yourself of Your Power appeared first on Heather Monahan.

Building self esteem is a skill that anyone can learn. Think of confidence as a muscle: When we flex it, it only gets stronger and more defined.  Let’s help you improve your self confidence so you can have the personal and professional successes you’ve been dreaming about.

Tip 6: No One Is Perfect, So You Don’t Have to Be, Either.

No one is perfect. There is nothing more true. My shrink taught me this years ago! If you find someone that is trying to promote themselves as perfect, RUN. Those are the least confident, most insecure people.

What I have learned in turning 40 is that people who put up a front have a lot to hide. By letting the world see your flaws and imperfections, you boost your confidence and accept yourself and draw others closer to you.  I thought that I was really nailing this until 2 weeks ago when my son had a wart on his thumb. We covered it with a special medicinal band-aid and changed it each night. It was improving remarkably well. Then one night, I asked him to pull the band-aid off so I could go and get a new one and he said,  “No! Wait until you are ready to switch it. It’s so awful to look at that I can’t bring myself to see it.”  This broke my heart.  Apparently, I must not be that accepting of myself and my flaws, and he is emulating that.

This only furthers my point that we are all flawed and the beauty is in getting to a place where you can appreciate them. My son is teaching me every day.  #workinprogress

The post No One Is Perfect appeared first on Heather Monahan.

Building self esteem is a skill that anyone can learn. Think of confidence as a muscle: When we flex it, it only gets stronger and more defined. Let’s help you improve your self confidence so you can have the personal and professional lives you’ve been dreaming about.

Tip 5: Put Yourself At the Top of the Priority List.

When you surround yourself with inspiring and positive people, it only encourages you more to be your best you. Another way to improve your confidence? Taking care of yourself.

I don’t mean that your exterior dictates whether you have confidence or not. What I’m talking about is when you make yourself a priority, you take the fast track to confidence. Women often have a hard time doing this; they feel guilty putting themselves before their loved ones. The reality is if you don’t work out, sleep, meditate, relax or do whatever your special things are for you, you won’t be the best version of yourself. Then, you can’t do things for others.

I think it is actually more selfless to take great care of yourself so you can be your best you…and then be present for your kids, husband and friends. Taking the best possible care of yourself will certainly boost your confidence. What are the things that make you feel good? Write them down, then do them every day. Make yourself a priority in your life. No excuses.

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Building confidence is a skill that anyone can learn. Think of confidence as a muscle: When we flex it, it only gets stronger and more defined. Let’s help you improve your self confidence and watch your personal and professional lives follow suit!

Tip 4: Get a Support Group. Then Use Them!

Building confidence goes hand in hand with treating yourself with respect. That means surrounding yourself with people that treat you well, respect you and help you strive to be better. The old adage that your parents used to preach to you—“You are who you hang out with!”—–well, guess what? They were right!

When I was younger and my confidence was low, I would gravitate to people that I thought I could help. But I have learned that it is more beneficial to surround yourself with people that encourage you to stretch beyond your self-imposed limitations, to be your best and to let you know that they are there to catch you in case you fall.

Beware of people who are constantly struggling to pull you down! Everyone is going to have bad days, but when you surround yourself with people that can see the good in you, even when you are having days when you can’t, that is when you’ll develop confidence. Keep a good support group around to help you up when you fall.

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